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Malice In Blunderland
Mad Hatters at The Tea
Party
It's not about conservatives, or conservative ideology. It's about the
Tea Party.
And therein ... is a distinction.
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If you ever wondered what happened to the sociologically shunned children
no one wanted to sit with in the school cafeteria, enter the search term,
'Tea Party Patriots' into Google – and behold ...
Seemingly no longer embarrassed, as they once were, when milk would involuntarily
spray from their nostrils during lunchtime – or much phased by the haunting
remembrances of their humiliating rejection as kickball team members, these
sniveling panty-waisters – now adults – would more recently find
a safe-harbor home they could finally call their own. And, with this,
now they'd show them. Yeah ... really show them. They'd take
America by collective storm – armed with a bullhorn from the Sports
Authority, two indelible ink markers, and a piece of semi-matte poster board
obtained from a local Walgreens pharmacy, with anticipatory glee, as they
stood by the register, clutching a coupon. So ….. who's laughing
now at the ones who were previously escorted to the prom by a first
cousin, in protested attendance by way of the insistent coercion associated
with parental authority?
I am.
And, indeed, perhaps my laughter is cruel as I recognize the Tea Party
patriots as once being those unfortunate, blemish-laden victims who never
quite got over the crack-ablating wedgies they received in 7th Grade homeroom.
But still, credit where credit is due … The Tea Party, with its curiously
fetish-like propensity for political self-mutilation, would rapturously throw
their enthusiastic support behind two victorious primary contenders: The
anti-self-gratification candidate, Christine O'Donnell – enjoying her
second historic win, having previously been voted 'Most Likely To
Have Been Sexually Abused As A Child' in her high school yearbook …
and Carl Paladino – the long-suspected, ‘Uncle Carl’ abuser,
if his string of mass-broadcasted bestiality email correspondence is any
indication. This, not to be in any way confused with the candidate’s
circulated visual vulgarities that would depict the Obamas vis a vis pimp
wardrobes and tribal dances.
Bravo, Tea Party. Well played.
"... for those who have long followed my previous writings, I may be
one of the few liberals left (no pun) who has supported the dissemination
of (legitimate) conservative voices – those that the Tea Party now belittle
and denigrate as being the members of ‘The Establishment’, as if
they had just come down from an acid trip in Haight-Ashbury, in an interesting
and paradoxical twist. But to propose that the Tea Party movement is comprised
of genuine conservatives – no less ‘patriots’ – is to
suggest that Castro was a Community Organizer. No, these are the fakes. The
pretenders. The Nut-Jobs." |
… And there they would be, en masse – well, three of them –
as I was walking into the Post Office in Milton, Massachusetts … The
Tea Party trio, holding a placard of Barack Obama with a Hitler mustache
drawn upon his face as the same witty and time-honored defacement cleverly
executed by every emotionally troubled 12 year old with a Social Studies
book in their childhood possession. Unrelenting angst, seeking relief, channeled
through the frantic scribbles of a Paper Mate pen. What next, in their vast
repertoire of graphic arts savvy … Satan horns?
There would be no confrontation with the locals passing by – not from
either side. For while the Tea Party devotees are surely The Moonies of American
politics – naturally, in this instance they would be summarily ignored
with the same eye-diverting avoidance as a group of Krishnas at the airport
would once receive. Arms extended with tri-fold brochures in their earnest
little hands, the trio would simply be … dismissed – even by me.
After all, when a pathetically farcical moment is so self-evident in its
impotency, one simply lets it be.
 Six
weeks later, I would encounter a similar Tea Party quartet – now victorious
in its expansion – while driving through the decidedly Jewish community
of Newton. Standing on a corner, they had strategically commandeered a lamppost
to prop up the very same Obama-cum-Hitler graphic, now indicating a franchise
operation of some sort. This, with little regard for the remembrances of
those who were murdered – in the millions – by a genuine
Hitler, true and actual. But for the Tea Party movement, the psychopathic
leader of the Third Reich had become little more than a serviceable
‘icon’ to be freely used at will – to their end, while cheapening
the very lives of those who were lost, along with their memory, without a
moment of intellectual or human consideration.
Bravo, Tea Party. Well done. Yeah, you’re drinking that tea –
iced – and of the Long Island variety.
Now, with my anecdotal local observations, I don’t mean to diminish
the numerical head-count of those who joyfully count themselves among the
cult-like movement. After all, tens of thousands of the sect would
enthusiastically convene upon one city, once they had received their marching
orders: “Aim the bulldog hood ornament towards Washington, D.C. –
and go”.
Nationwide, the Tea Party proudly claims a membership of 17 million
unlucky-in-love, unlucky-in-life, embittered malcontents. Or, said another
way, 5.66 percent of the entire American population – with a little
over 94% of the populace abstaining. Or … expressed yet another
way, the Tea Party – in its self-purported entirety – represents
the numerical equivalency of about 1/3rd of America’s minority black
population … dare I say. These numbers – the ones of their very
own choosing – would mathematically define the Tea Party as being among
the most minor of minorities, nevertheless endeavoring to speak for
all ‘true Americans’, as claimed.
Thanks for the numbers, Tea Party. Nicely advanced as a point of
comparative reference. You’ve successfully managed to overtake the
longer-lived and more official inception of the White Supremacist
movement. Well done.
But the Tea Party, truly more akin to a poor man’s John Birch Society,
not requiring the $87 membership fee, is comprised of notably small
‘chapters’, much like the Sleeper Cells – yes, but without
oversight or a centralized core. These chapters, in isolation, are inherently
low-budget operations with a heavy reliance on that Sports Authority
bullhorn covering a 75-foot radius at impromptu outdoor venues – all
because they couldn’t afford the Banquet Room at The Elks Lodge, despite
their best collection efforts.
And yet … as an entertaining floor show, the Tea Party movement is
absolutely top-flight, with its continuously variable nods to history
– referencing the days of the Revolutionary War … that’s curiously
fighting Nazi Germany as its nemesis, while revisiting the McCarthy era as
its tribunal … and wrapping it all in the stagecraft packaging of Civil
War reenactments. Yes, conceptually discombobulated, I know – yet still
oddly compelling as a piece of surreal and avant garde, free-association
performance art. Don’t expect it to make sense. You’ll only
frustrate yourself, looking for reason. It’s as if Yoko Ono had changed
political alliances.
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TEA PARTY FALL FASHION PREVIEW:
Tri-cornered, colonial hats – the
‘Tricornes’ – have been selected, yet again, chosen principally
because of their easier navigation within the interior form when attempting
to line with malleable aluminum foil as an effective means to screen and
shield against secret, Governmental Gamma-Rays – or ‘GGRs’,
according to Tea Party fashion consultants.
Moistened teabags affixed to the brim act as stabilizers
when rallying in windy environments, assuring continued and unbreached
protection.
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But no, dear readers – I feel compelled to interject … this is
not a hit-piece, penned to belittle conservatives and their ideology.
It should be noted – and this is an important distinction – that
the members of the Tea Party movement aren’t genuine conservatives,
in any traditional sense. They’re pretender, wanna-be, faux-conservatives
who were looking for an upgrade, relative to the previous confines of a Donut
Shop that graciously tolerated the vacant lives of disaffected malcontents
occupying a corner table in three-hour gulps, expressing their angst –
and assigning their blame – over the course of seven coffee refills.
Point of fact, the Tea Party movement has done more harm to genuine conservative
ideology than the most wicked of my liberal contemporaries could have ever
wished upon it. I’ve personally cautioned my more reasoned conservative
friends that the Tea Party may be dangerously close to redefining conservatism,
itself, no matter how fringe the movement me be. These friends would plaintively
nod their heads in regrettable agreement, to which they will attest. I further
expressed no desire to ‘win’ under these terms or circumstances.
For there could be no sense of gleeful satisfaction in trumping any adversarial
domain sabotaged by seditious lunacy, propagated by the pathologically jaundiced
who have seized someone else’s banner as their own. An unjust fate,
at the hands of the sociologically deranged.
And I’m not the only one who has eluded to such … Karl Rove –
in an unusually candid moment – cautioned, “It does conservatives
little good to support candidates who, at the end of the day, while they
may be conservative in their public statements, do not evince the characteristics
of rectitude and truthfulness and sincerity and character …”.
Yes, the hard-right pundits – who had never actually worked a campaign
in their lives – went ape-shit crazy. For Karl Rove – as ‘The
Architect’ – took a sledge hammer to the building he came to recognize
as not being his own. Or, perhaps, one that had been so trashed out by its
“nutty” occupants, even he could no longer identify himself with
it. And this was fucking Karl Rove … Sure, he receded within
24 hours, following the “nutty” backlash to his comments, but
it’s often the case where one’s first visceral response
is the most honest one. And, with that, often the most accurate.
As for me, for those who have long followed my previous writings, I may be
one of the few liberals left (no pun) who has supported the dissemination
of (legitimate) conservative voices – those that the Tea Party now belittle
and denigrate as being the members of ‘The Establishment’, as if
they had just come down from an acid trip in Haight-Ashbury, in an interesting
and paradoxical twist. But to propose that the Tea Party movement is comprised
of genuine conservatives – no less ‘patriots’ – is to
suggest that Castro was a Community Organizer. No, these are the fakes. The
pretenders. The Nut-Jobs.
For the Tea Party isn’t even a political movement, based on an ideology
– no matter how they may endeavor to couch it as such – even to
themselves, sadly. It’s a mass ensemble of internalized anger, commonly
with oneself – turned outward – that’s merely being
channeled through political discourse at the present time. As a practical
matter, the Tea Party could be just as well served – perhaps
better helped – with a liberating round of Primal Scream therapy.
And, indeed – for those who have witnessed the rallies, either live
or by way of video – the psychiatric treatment of this nature has been
partially synthesized, if without remedial effect, alas.
But at least in that soundproof treatment room, they couldn’t be used
– not by the empty-shell, intellectually vacant candidates who seize
the anger, give it a little bit of structure, and play it back to the raging
crowd who, in turn, believe they’ve been ‘connected with’.
Not by radio talk hosts and television pundits who see the Frankenstein Villagers
as ‘market share’. Not by the top ‘one-percenters’ –
the true cultural elitists – who have the huddled torch-and-pitchfork
crowd do their bidding for them. Soundproof and padded walls, indeed
– if only for their own protection.
Despite the Tea Party seeing themselves as rebellious innovators, offering
a ‘new vision’ for the country, their psyche has haunted
America’s halls before. From a most radical and fringe subset
of the Goldwater movement, to the ‘America First Committee’ who
clung to the “patriotic” Neutrality Act of 1939, and vehemently
fought our intervening involvement in World War II as Europe was being turned
to ruin and millions were being slaughtered and exterminated. Think prototype
to Pat Buchanan, say. Walt Disney was a member, among other recognized notables
of ‘like-mind’. They, too, had ‘memberships’ …
‘chapters’ … widespread press coverage. Yet other political
fringe groups with momentary spotlighting would abound, as well. No, you
may not have read or heard much about them in more contemporary times, as
they ultimately became small-print footnotes in history … and so much
more to the point …
For while the Tea Party may celebrate limited successes in the short-term,
they surely shall be doomed to dispersion and collapse in the long-term.
As a repeatedly verifiable point of footnoted history … it has
never gone any other way. Not once. Not ever.
Good riddance.
- Joseph -
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