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Guide
to
Political
Genres
Liberal or Conservative, it's amazing what
they can do with plastics these days ...
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Genres of Liberals
…
The Benign, Lifestyle Liberal
These are the hybrid vehicle, Whole Foods Market types. Cultural command
and enlightenment derived exclusively by way of PBS Pledge Drives. Add just
a smattering of John Coltrane, but in limited doses. Conservatives don’t
generally regard this genre as being entirely benign because they,
after all, vote for the Democrats. But beyond this, their actual participatory
involvement doesn’t extend far beyond purchasing a canvas bag at the
checkout isle that donates 10% of its proceeds to a popular cause. With this,
they feel connected and engaged. These, indeed, are benign ‘Lifestyle
Liberals’ – not to be confused with …
The Designer Liberal
These are the ones who wear liberalism as a mere fashion accessory, much
like something out of the Prada catalog – perhaps even the GAP, for
the low-enders. While entirely off-the-rack, it still makes a statement of
some sort. The Designer Liberal just doesn’t entirely know what it is.
It’s stylish, in any event, and that’s the point. But like most
fashion accessories, one can easily remove it, at will. It’s entirely
dispensable and easily disposed of, as convenient. After all, Designer
Liberalism's hallmark is that it can be dropped to the floor like a soiled
undergarment when it inconveniences one's personal world. And, in truth,
at the end of the day – or incandescent runway, the Designer Liberal
doesn’t actually give a shit. Never did.
The Faux Intellectual Liberal
This genre learns the basic ‘keywords’ of current events and commits
them to memory – much like wine lists – while having little knowledge
of the actual issues, themselves, short on the factual details. No matter.
It contributes to the cocktail party chatter, and those in attendance are
generally too sauced to notice that the exchanges are, in truth, entirely
substance-free. Most among the group, indeed, wouldn’t detect it even
when sober. The Faux Intellectual Liberal regularly seeks out its own kind,
preferring to run in packs. Woof. Easily spotted as the ones who lean
back in the chair and cross their legs when discussing world events at Starbucks
– emphasing points in a staccato-like fashion, not with the hands, but
with their cardboard cups ... half-empty, appropriately enough.
The University Liberal
Cornel West and Ward Churchill. Enough said.
The Bona Fide Bleeding Heart Liberal
Not to in any way be confused with any of the above as, unlike the aforementioned
genres, The Bona Fide Bleeding Heart Liberal is sincere – a cognitive
rarity for liberalism. And, as such, this genre is perhaps the most
heart-broken among liberals. They have but two choices … to remain
blindly optimistic and naïvely enthusiastic … or to become woefully
disappointed and miserably despondent – at least while they currently
reside on this planet. Conservatives, nevertheless, find them to be
the most frustrating of all knowing that their bleeding hearts can seldom
be won, for the hemorrhaging just can't be stopped. Otherwise harmless to
the conservative, as they’re fundamentally ineffectual and short on
practical influence, while being far too preoccupied with imagination.
Genres of Conservatives
…
The Northeastern, Old Money Republican
If only for the means, it’s what the garden variety conservative secretly
aspires to be, save one thing … The Northeastern, Old Money Republican
experiences cringed embarrassment by the likes of the NASCAR, Pro-Life,
Jesus-loving, God-fearing, gun-toting, Miller time conservatives – and
rightfully so. Comforted in the knowledge that these low-grade members of
the Republican Riffraff don’t hang around Sands Point much, anyway.
Still, give them the Jews in Manhasset, any day.
The Lounge Act Republican
Common among the men of this Republican genre, they curiously style their
own natural hair to make it look as if it were a cheap toupee (see
Ken in the lead photograph). Fond of plated American flag lapel pins and
tie tacs, this genre exists as that special fusion where Brooks Brothers
meets Dollar Store. Masters of posey, flag-fetish affectations when placing
hand above the heart, eyes aimed high, brow knitted hard in a strained contortion
of simulated passion, in earnest. They haven’t looked so emotional since
the Ford Motor Company stopped production of the Continental Mark series
in a limited Bill Blass edition. Tacky, all around, they’ve successfully
turned patriotism into a cheap lounge act … or cable news commentary.
The Golden Age, Levittown Republican
Pre-Fab from birth – even conception – their dads were Republican,
along with their dad’s dad, and his father before
him. Respective injection-molded clones of one another, just with
different extensions, they still remain to be … the very same house.
Continuing to prop family ghosts atop the spinet piano, with the living poised
along the diagonal gallery by the stairs, they pause – just for a moment
– to look fore longingly over their shoulder for a wistful glimpse of
a kinescoped America that flickers a time since passed … and one that,
perhaps, never truly existed in the first place. They extend a poignant wave
to Donna Reed in the rearview mirror …
The Donut Shop, Corner Table Republicans
In truth, despite upscale Republican stereotypes, this group is far more
plentiful than the Wall Street Journal variety. The genre marries cheap dress
slacks to a white undershirt and black sneaker formals as a complete outfit.
They congregate – as a group – at one particular table,
seemingly reserved or claimed by squatter rights, in the corner of a local
Donut Shop. It is here that important affairs, foreign and domestic, are
settled … aloud. Embittered malcontents – principally male –
but often including just one frumpy, dateless and apolitical female to act
as summit secretary and keeper of the spare cigarettes for the rotational
smoking sessions out front, trading off in shifts. One stays behind to keep
guard at the table at all times, securing its perimeters, protecting it from
insurgents ... always.
The Fundamentalist Christ-ervative
Despite the ‘though shall not steal’ teachings of the Old Testament
(as stolen from the Jews), the New Testament curiously plagiarizes its major
plot points and themes from several religions and folklore legends that preceded
it. From virgin births to resurrections, the performance of miracles to
ascensions – it had already been done before. And not just once,
mind you – but several times. The Fundamentalist Christ-ervative
merely wants you to adopt a single book – no matter how derivative –
as the epicenter of one’s existence ... even if it may be the
rough equivalent of a recycled term paper purchased out of the back pages
of the Village Voice.
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